Mouse-Ka-Tears

One thing that makes being a homeowner absolutely suck is to discover a mouse in the house.  Yes…I am going there.  A topic that not everybody likes to talk about to others.  I suppose it scares others because it oozes ghetto slum scum, they think you hoard adult diapers, or that you’ll slip a mouse in their coat pocket when they’re not looking.  But it happens.  Though it can happen in older homes with all the itty bitty foundation cracks in the winter, I suppose it can happen in a million dollar home by a field somewhere…though I feel less empathy for you.

Here’s a list of Do’s and Don’t’s

Do realize that it is just a small creature.  Very quickly this 2-3 inch creature can turn into Godzilla.  It is not Godzilla…at least you would hear him coming and brace yourself.  No, a mouse is a small creature that juts out unexpectedly scaring the crap out of you at the least opportune time.

Don’t be the first one to wake up.  A mouse will likely be ending his adventures.  They like the night life ba-by…o.k. that was creepy and cheesy…sorry.  Let your husband be the one to set the mouse straight.  If you are the first one up, be sure to walk into the room like Godzilla…while announcing your arrival.  

Do expect to see the mouse at night.  You will be watching T.V. in the dark.  Keep your eyes on the screen and damn your peripheral vision.  After shaking off the idea that the mouse will want to share your pillow, you might contemplate whether or not to pee in the middle of the night…Sure you might stick on your slippers and brave it out…but he’ll just be sitting on the toilet seat waiting for you anyways.

Do set traps…but tell your spouse.  One night I set up a line of invisible packing tape…but I just tripped up and caught a husband.

Do set a variety of traps.  I mistakenly invested in those humane traps.  They are plastic boxes that you are supposed to bait and trap with.  Then you put the trap in a bag…drive 5 miles to a field..and release the mouse…or how I envision it…you drop kick the bag across the field running like hell while screaming and flailing your arms back to the car. They don’t work.

Sticky traps work well…they capture small toys that slip under the couch and the drapes.

Big snappy traps work with the downside being that the mouse will scream loud enough that PETA fines you.

Old-fashioned traps can be funny to watch your husband attempt to set up.  

Bait boxes only if they are child and pet proofed.  

Also prepare some sort of catch and release box.  It gives the kids and you the impression that you have a heart of gold.

Do watch Mickey Mouse.  Cartoons and story books make mice look so cute…you almost forget that they can carry disease. Maybe you have a shy pet.

Don’t obsess.  Researching the species and their living habits will not do any good…Just stop Googling…the average life span is one year and brown mice tend to be loners.

Don’t call the exterminator.  It just costs money.  They will tell you to line up traps near the wall, clean any clutter, and fill in the foundation cracks.  Stick a brillo pad in the porch steps and mail me a check for $150…thank you.

Do keep the floors clean.  If your kids are throwing around food like it’s confetti, the mouse doesn’t want week old cheese or a month old glob of peanut butter…there is a virtual buffet behind the fridge.

Do cut down on clutter…especially paper.  Paper is like some sort of life source as it provides food and shelter for the mouse…and we’ve all seen Hoarders.

Do realize that it can happen again. Though we’d like to think it’s like that one case of food poisoning you got…the truth is..we know how much you like those late night tacos.  It will probably happen again.  Brace yourself towards the cold months.  While you wait to catch the mouse,  have a sense of humor about it…as with anything a sense of humor can help you persevere through life’s little challenges….and keep away those Mouse-Ka-Tears.  

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