7 Things I Don’t Miss About Diapers or Potty Training

Written by: Andrea Angileri

Remember how cute those little newborn diapers were?  I do.  I even remember those early changings, smiling and singing….taking that moment to bond.  Yeah, that crap gets old.  Here are 7 Things I Don’t Miss About Diapers or Potty Training.

1.  Poop Everywhere.  As a woman, I base about 95% of my self-esteem on the fact that I don’t have shit anywhere on my clothing when I leave the house.  That is a bit shaky when you are in the throes of potty training.  Once, my daughter whipped off her diaper and I could not find the evidence.  It took me a good deal of time to find it…on the head of the baby doll sitting in the play high chair (Is that what they mean by shithead?…I still think this is funny regardless of what happened on Steve Harvey 😉  ).

2.  Throwing Diapers Out the Back Door Like a Hillbilly.  With the first one, you buy a contraption that contains the diaper and the smell, usually resulting in the most revolting sausage link poop smell ever.  I usually ended up throwing in a plastic grocery bag and tossing out the back door.   The neighbors and the environment hate me.

3.  Losing My Mind.  I am a relatively calm woman.  I was a complete lunatic when I potty trained.  I would feel pressure to know what I was doing because of my child development background.  I would always start the process so patient and fun, but would later sing a bluesy “The Thrill is Gone” after a much expected relapse.

4. The Game of Thrones.  I don’t know anything about this actual show expect that it trends on Twitter.  MY Game of Thrones is the one where you go back and forth between the potty chair and the toilet.  The pink froggy potty chair in the living room is probably just one MORE thing to repel house guests.

5. “Mom! She’s Naked!”.  My last child is a girl.  She has mixed blessing of having all older brothers.  Since she was my last one to potty train, she did best when she was half-dressed casually hanging around the house.  The boys tired of her chicken butt.

6. Trick or Treat.  All of the stupid little games that go along with convincing a person who’s only been on this world for 2-3 years that regulating your bodily fluids is ‘the cool thing to do’.  With my second son, I threw Fruit Loops in the toilet for target practice and he quickly freaked out, ‘Why the Hell was Mommy throwing his favorite cereal in the toilet?!’.  Stickers, charts, clapping, calling Elmo, turning on the faucet, ‘listening eagerly’ for pee, cold turkey/lots of laundry, chocolate (for Mommy), big kid undies (my daughter put 3 pairs on at a time), you name it.  I love the mom who told me she just started doing it with the whole, “Hey, it’s no biggee…it’s just what we do” approach with glowing results.

7. Cha-ching.  Diapers cost money.  I’ve thought about how many butts we’ve covered with our four and love the mathematical equation we come up with a family member who’s pregnant with her 10^th.  Diapers are pricey enough, but then tack on wipes, powders, diaper rash creams…cha-ching….never mind the ‘Oh we’re one step closer’ pull-ups.  Confession: I do miss baby wipes…they were so damn multi-purposeful.

The bottom line is ….potty training sucks.  The kid just has to be ready.  There’s no magic time table.  When it gets done, you move on to the next thing, and are tempted to forget this phase.  I will not forget.

 

If you liked this you might like ‘Potty Training Relapse’ http://wp.me/s2TaHD-16

Feel free to share your own potty training mishaps below….

Hitchhiking With Raccoons

Written by: Andrea Angileri

Confession: This story is true, but was refreshed in my mind by reading Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess) “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened”, in which she reminisces about having a pet raccoon (very funny read).

I have never been very good with directions. Whether it be reading the directions or following the directions, I am a bit direction dyslexic.  The G.P.S. was probably made for people just like me.  So when, at the age of 16, my mom’s minivan tire blew out on my way to my friend’s house, I was not at all surprised to find myself completely wandering around.   I suppose I would have had some sense of direction if I had actually not taken a wrong turn going home.

I was a very hot summer day, yet here I was, ironically wearing a sweatshirt and heavy jeans.  I got out of the van and started in a random direction down the street.  This was way before cell phones were common, so I had no lifeline.  After a short while I found myself walking along a bridge….I didn’t know what bridge.

The longer I walked, the hotter and more completely desperate I got.  I had no idea where I was, but I knew I wasn’t on the best side of town.   Tears began to fall as my steps grew labored.

A man in a station wagon pulled alongside me,

“Do you need a ride?”

Always warned of the dangers of strangers I gave him a cautious look that said, “I could use one…but only if you agree not to be a psycho”.

I slowly climbed into the wagon and sat as close to the passenger door as I could.

The man was older and brown bearded.  I notice a slight skin deformity on his right arm.  That’s when I casually looked down and noticed a raccoon in a cage on my floorboard.

“Oh my God…a raccoon…a strange man with a deformed arm…what have I gotten myself into?”

While silently praying for my safety, I told the man where my friend lived and sat tight….all the while shifting my eyes and surveying this strange predicament.

When we pulled up at my friend’s house I kindly thanked the eccentric, ‘Touched By an Angel’ raccoon man.   He saw my desperation and came to my aid. I don’t know where I would have ended up if I hadn’t accepted his ride.

It brings to mind the other poor souls I may have passed up through the years, too scared or too busy to stop and help.  It also reminds me that God, who is merciful, directed this man my way, and God, who has a sense of humor, knew that this would be enough to remind me to NEVER hitch hike again.