Fancy Meeting You Here…

Fancy Meeting You Here

Written by: Andrea Angileri

It’s been a couple months since I’ve started the ‘I’m Andrea and You’re Not’ blog and it’s time for a moment of reflection.  There is this feature in WordPress called ‘stats’, where you can look up numbers of visitors and views , countries viewed, and Google search words.  November went pretty well with 290 views (I’m sure 190 were from me). December dipped down in visitors (damn holidays), and January picked back up.  The countries include: U.S., Mexico, Spain, Switzerland (thanks Remy), the U.K., Germany, Turkey, Australia, and Israel (to whom I say ‘sababa’…which hopefully is supposed to mean ‘cool’) .  The stats is a dreadfully addictive feature that I will refresh despite seeing the depressing ‘1 visitor’ (which was me).  Google search terms included “sleeping children”, “Punky Brewster”, and “nudity images”.  I am still creeped out by those.

I’ve also been fairly new to Twitter.  I just posted my 100th tweet….where are the confetti and balloons?  I am following 54 random people that include celebrities, mom or non-mom bloggers, and a couple people that I actually know.  I have 15 followers.  I will come across Christina Applegate’s account and notice that she follows 93 people and 1.2 Million people are following her.  The contrast in numbers will haunt me….and remind me of my place in social media.  Fifteen is not quite the 612 accumulation from Facebook.  People judge social media because it’s not ‘real’ interaction, but really….I don’t have time to hang out with all of you damn people.  But my Twitter crew is a different story.  I can actually fit 15 people into my living room.  I’d pull out a couple folding chairs…pass out crappy appetizers, which you would slightly smile and try.   We’d all small talk and during a lull I’d put on Michael Buble.  We’d twiddle our thumbs and run out of topics.  I’d slightly panic and put on LMFAO to up the mood.  But it would be too late, the first person would excuse themselves because she has to relieve the sitter.  After she pulled away, I would remember that she doesn’t have kids.  The rest of the group would stretch and yawn and file out despite ‘Sexy and I Know It’ blaring and beckoning an impromptu dance off.  I would then remember that I am a terrible hostess and throw the leftover crappy apps in the garbage.  This just can’t happen….I must get more of a following.

I did have something I said about ‘Smurfette’ ‘retweeted’ and another reply to a very funny blogger ‘favorited’.  I also accidentally accepted followers of risque dressed women (they weren’t being funny?)…I’m pretty sure they are using my identity to buy cars in other countries now.

Entering the blogging world is like visiting a different country…you are just looking for other people who speak your language.  I have come across some enjoyable blogs and comment sometimes (note ‘followed blogs).  There are only so many hours in the day.  I do have one possible guest blog post that is in the works.  Another blogger has given me a tentative spot.  The post involves the whole “We don’t use ‘Jesus’ and ‘fart’ in the same sentence” incident.  Since I went on a talk show basically because of  poop it would only make sense that my rise to blogging fame would derive from a bodily function….and Jesus.

My blog gets spam that I do not understand.  Mostly from people who notice that something is missing that their service can help.  A complement from a ‘man boob removal’ site ensures that I’m moving up in this world.

Who knows….all in all…I’m having fun with it and I know that I’ve made enough of you smile.  It’s going to be a great year with some good laughs…I can feel it 🙂

FreeLance Armstrong

My Performance Enhancing Drug.  Put a Sock in It!
My Performance Enhancing Drug. Put a Sock in It!                                                                                  * Sock placed by young child aimlessly throwing sock in kitchen.

FreeLance Armstrong

Written by : Andrea Angileri

I’d like to apologize in advance to all of my cyclist friends.

Recently, Lance Armstrong was exposed as blood doping….it was somewhat less entertaining than the fake Te’o incident…really rather low on the totem pole of things I could care less about as it had something to do with sports.   All I knew about Lance Armstrong was that he rides bikes…fast, he dated Sheryl Crow, and he unfortunately, has one ball…that’s all I really needed to know.  But now, I know that he used ‘performance enhancement ‘ drugs…..and people are pissed.

Am I the only one who doesn’t care that much about steroid use in athletes?  Am I ‘cheating’ because I drink coffee?  Here’s what my interview with Oprah would look like:

Oprah: “So..Andrea…do you admit to using ‘performance enhancement’ drugs?

Me: “Yes….I drink coffee.”

Oprah:  “How often do you use ‘coffee’ and why?”

Me: “I try to drink at least a cup a day most days….I like to think it helps me ‘do better’.”

Oprah: “But can’t you do everything you do WITHOUT coffee…what about tea instead?”

Me:  “I know that tea has added health benefits, but coffee seems to push me to load that third set of dishes in the dishwasher, focus on conversations…it’s just a part of my morning routine.”

Oprah: “Can you believe I’ve built my entire empire…without coffee?”

Me:  “I know you’d like to think that your ‘little dogs’ (using sarcastic finger quotes) take a lot of energy….but I got 4 real kids…real kid shit to deal with.”

I would then peek at her cards and see the topics ‘wine, beer, Ritalin, and plastic surgery’ and storm off with my Starbuck’s off the set.   Just kidding…I love Oprah, I would give her a hug and eat crow…like Lance did.  Lowercase ‘c’ people….I have to say that because as much as I’d like to deny having perverted friends….I have to stay a step ahead of them.

We live in a performance enhancing drug society.  My eight year old is convinced that I should buy the ‘5 hour energy drink’….”Look how little it is, “he says, “and It gives you energy for 5 hours!”.  I tried energy drinks for one day.  I was irritated at how sweet they were and how slow the results were.  A sleepness night is not what I needed….it should have kicked in earlier!  Remember the ‘No-Doz’ phase.  People were taking them to stay awake…legal speed I guess.  I tried this once, which resulted in being the passenger in a car going 45 miles an hour down N. 2nd with me yelling, “WHY ARE WE GOING SO SLOW?!”  I’m pretty sure that alcohol and a median were involved, and definitely sure that was enough of that.

So we can conclude that performance enhancing drugs are a part of our society, people drink coffee/tea/ energy drinks/ pop to wake up, kids take meds to focus, people use booze to relax and socialize, older men use drugs to perform…so why should athletes be excluded?

I say let them have the choice.  They can be on the non-juiced league or the SUPER MEGA ULTRA JUICED LEAGUE.  It would only be a matter of time before someone got hurt, exploded, lost a penis, or what have you and that would be the end of that, but it might make for interesting T.V.

I am not an avid sports watcher.  I mean… I obviously support the Chicago teams because I love my family and I appreciate the commercials during the Superbowl, but I am a fourth quarter, 9th inning watcher at best.   I will sit next to my husband and he will ask, “Did you see that play?” and I will say “No”.  I have this crazy talent of sitting and watching T.V. and using it as a chance to zone out and think about what I will do next when I get the energy to get my lazy butt off the couch.

So Lance, yes, you cheated…and that is wrong….you are still a lying bastard.   Athletes of all kind get the results that they want by using healthy alternatives.  They work hard and they don’t use performance enhancing drugs.  You will forever be in the doghouse with them.  As a person who accidentally watches sports, “I Forgive You”.

***It’s just been clarified to me that it was never steroids, but blood doping.  I didn’t even know blood doping existed, because I don’t pay close enough attention, which is why I will never post political things.  Apparently, it involves adding more red blood cells so that blood can carry more oxygen, which actually sounds pretty awesome.  I’m pretty sure this can treat anemia and I’d like to sign up.  I think it’s dangerous on some level, and I obviously am wrong, but too lazy to research why.

I am a Tree Killer and the Lorax is Pissed

I am a Tree Killer and the Lorax is Pissed

Written by: Andrea Angileri

No…I am not making thneeds, though the idea of making millions by creating a multi-purpose scrap of fabric is right down my alley.  I enjoyed the movie ‘The Lorax’.  I’m convinced that I want hair like the kind that grows on the trees from the movie, am pretty sure that I am following Rob Riggle on Twitter solely based on his performance on Aloysius O’Hare (FYI: he’s a bit of a sports buff), and thought I saw that Bruno Mars had something to do with the music (proving my theory that Bruno Mars can do no wrong).  No…my idea that Danny Devito would shake his hairy finger and tell me “You have been warned!” refers to my current project….weeding through my accumulation of paper.  Sure, a typical house might have typical paperwork…manuals…kid momentos…bills, but combine that with the paperwork involved in my multiple jobs  and my tendency to be file cabinet  illiterate and you get a big mess.

In my attempt to carve out a little corner of my house for me and my paper hoard, I have brought every single piece upstairs to create a play room/ office.  Since my husband shares his man-cave with our three sons it seems fair that I share my corner with tubs of Thomas the train sets.  Now, when I first brought all of my stuff up there in the affectionately called ‘crap room’, it was pretty bad.  It was pretty ‘Hoarders’ worthy…though I don’t THINK there were any dead cats up there…’Fluffy’?…..”Tigger?”.  If I were to be on ‘Let’s Make a Deal’ and Wayne Brady offered 50 bucks for a middle school note, a manual for a T.V. you no longer have, or a lesson plan on how to make a lemon demonstrate electricity, I would be in luck!  I could also go dressed up as my minivan and be just as lucky.  The beauty of the room was that I decluttered (to the best of my ability) every other room in the house and could close the door to this room and be content. The ugliness of the room is the room.  After many decluttering sessions accompanied by revisited tapes and CDs there is progress.  There is something about jamming to The Jets ‘Rocket 2 U’ that really gets those hanging file folders moving.

My supervisor is going to be supplying me with 110 binders for my 110 provider caseload next week.  There is hope that I will have floor space if I keep it up!  By the way, I just told my 5 year old to use ‘scrap paper’ because ‘The Lorax would be proud’ to which he disgustedly replied…”UGHH!…It’s just a show!”  Reminder to self: Follow Ed Helms on Twitter next.