Ten Things that I Won’t Miss About Having Little Kids
Written by: Andrea Angileri
Don’t get me wrong….one day I’ll cry over their photo albums with a good bottle of wine like the rest of you…but for now they are under my roof and up in my face. Here are ‘Ten Things that I Won’t Miss About Having Little Kids”. Don’t worry…it will be followed by a ‘Ten Things that I WILL Miss About Having Little Kids”.
- MAKING MY DAUGHTER FACEPLANT IN THE DRIVEWAY AND OTHER PARENTING FAILS. This is a title to a different blog post where I will elaborate on this. Basically, it’s the real possibility and fear that we can cause our kids to get hurt. It will be conjured every time we get in the car, watch the news, or read the paper. Now let me move on before I start rehashing a particular Oprah episode and make us all cry.
- SUPERVISING EVERYTHING. Baths, toilet paper rationing, kids on stools, kids with markers, kids with scissors…you get it…hanging out in your watchtower with eyes in the back of your head to avoid chaos and disorder.
- CAILLOU AND OTHER ANNOYING ANIMATION. Don’t get me wrong, I have been known to order a Netflix kid flick or two solely because I wanted to watch it. I will enjoy ‘The Lorax’ and cry at ‘Up’, laugh at SpongeBob, and make my kids watch old Disney and Warner Brothers cartoons because they let me reminisce about my childhood. My husband thinks my daughter is just imitating Caillou when she whines about something. If he is sitting with me when my kids are watching cartoons we usually just mock and poke fun with our inappropriately dark humor. We should probably just be taking pointers on patience from his parents. See…look…Caillou’s dad is taking him on a bike ride….maybe we should turn this stupid T.V. off and go out and buy some grown up bikes and do the same thing….or maybe sit and snuggle and let the colorful shapes blur and blend on the screen.
- I DIDN’T MAKE THAT MESS. We all know that my house hates me. It makes messes after I’ve cleaned it and the clutter slithers around….I’m beginning to think the kids have something to do with it.
- WHY ARE WE TALKING SO LOUD? Kids are loud. I mean I wasn’t….I’m pretty sure people considered using sign language after hanging out with me for a while…but my kids are loud. The youngest has pretty much learned that she needs to be louder than everybody else to capture full attention which results in, “Blah…blah..blah…blah…OOOOKKKKKK?!!!!”
- BODILY FLUIDS AND POTTY ISSUES. Wiping snot, vomit, pee, and poop are just part of the gig. Potty training is punishment for enjoying the first 2 years of your child’s life. I’m glad that is over. I am still working on toilet paper efficiency, however. In fact, this blurb is really inspired by the fact that I just had to plunge a toilet. I’m pretty sure that I have never had to plunge a toilet because of my own doing. In fact….I don’t even USE the bathroom. I have been famously known to not go for close to a week…o.k. not famously until now and not funny I should speed dial the doctor.
7. SHIELDING THEM INAPPROPRIATE MEDIA. Right now I have left the kids upstairs to play listening to ‘MTV Party to Go Volume 2’ and Salt and Pepa’s ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ is blaring. Oops. Inappropriate media will be lurking on YouTube, available in the boys’ room on Xbox’s late night Netflix, and skimmed through on the radio.
8. BEING INTERRUPTED. Now, to be honest, I’m not really much of a conversationalist. I can go all day without talking if I really had to, but I do need to make the occasional phone call, desperate catching up with friend and/or loved one, or just proof that I have a pulse. I would love to get that ‘Recording for assurance and quality’ that all the businesses offer for my own entertainment. You will hear my kids in the background, muffed ‘Be Quiet I’m on the Phone!’ s and other laughable moments. Whether it’s talking, doing, or thinking, young children will exasperate my already A.D.D-like tendencies to an all time high.
9. SCHOOL PICK UP AND DROP OFFS. I’ll admit, there is something heart-warming about seeing my school ager wave to me with a hopeful smile and clomp away with his backpack, the preschooler who flags his latest art project at me, and even my middle schooler who barely makes eye-contact when I say, “Have a good day…See you at 3!”….but school pick up and drop offs kinda suck. Despite having to scrape windows, pack lunches, brush teeth and waiting for the one who’s poking around in the bathroom, we’ve been doing an awesome job getting to school on time…..I should be given a large cash prize for this. But wait…in a few hours it will be time for the preschooler. I will remind him not to eat lunch so he can eat at school and break away from whatever home activity we are doing to take him. I will have to get the younger sister out of the car, go into the school, sign him in, and leave. Maybe we will lag around the playground until I get chased away by the recess chaperones. Clearly…I am a strange woman who is a threat to other small children. Then I will go home with a younger child who takes naps in my wildest dreams. We will get back in the car to pick up one child…wait 10 minutes for the next one…wait 35 minutes for the last one…and return home to barge into the house like large bears looking for a pot of honey. Some years I’ve included other innocent children into these routines….some days I’ve entrusted other adults to take on these duties while I am at work….some days I don’t wish a large yellow bus came to my corner to do it all for me.
10. HIDING COOKIES. Not too long ago I resorted to hiding Pepperidge Farm Sausalito cookies in my underwear drawer. Obviously my daughter, who was trying on my socks, found them. I don’t like that when I allow sweets into the house it immediately turns into crack and my children turn into junkies. I am a little irritated that there is no pop in the house and the only thing I can have to myself is the wine. I’m sure the healthier eating habits would be wonderful and we would all eat the same balanced meals consistently if I was Caillou’s mom.
So…there they are all ten reasons. I will probably cut this into two parts because as my husband noted on the ‘Skinny on the Skinny’ post…it got a bit too long….and some of you might lose interest. Reminder to self: Write a post about my husband soon.