G.P.S….G.P.S…Where the Hell Art Thee…G.P.S?

Written By: Andrea Angileri

I think the G.P.S was specifically made for people like me, the direction dyslexic.  Before the G.P.S, many of us were fumbling around with maps, asking unreliable drifters for directions, and wasting a hell of a lot of time.  Like the invention of the cell phone, the G.P.S (or ‘Global Positioning System’…thanks Google) has been a blessing for many.  Before writing this I didn’t even know what G.P.S stood for…”Get to Place Sooner”….“Guidance Protection System”? ….it doesn’t matter.  All that matters is that I’m not doing things like leaving Milwaukee to head to Rockford only to end up near downtown Chicago anymore.  Sure, sometimes the G.P.S. is a bit off.  “Haha! You’re so stupid G.P.S….that road doesn’t lead to Harrison…it’s a dead end!”  You almost feel superior when you can completely disregard the pleading to ‘take the highlighted route’…you know a short cut!  The way it mispronounces street names…what a dork.  There are times that my G.P.S won’t cooperate.  A colleague of mine calls hers ‘Margaret’.  One day ‘Margaret’ wasn’t speaking to her.  She just couldn’t understand the route.  There have been a few times this has happened to me, then I have to pull out Google Maps on the iPhone.  Google Maps just reminds me that I need a voice of reason to guide me.  I can’t constantly look down to see if my blue dot is nearing the red dot.  I am direction dyslexic…my blue dot will stray.

What if we had a G.P.S for life decisions?  Sure, we have our mothers, our conscience, our God…but what about a flat, monotone straight shooter saying things like, “In .2 years take the job on right….in 6 years turn left for life partner… marry in 1.5 years……child arriving on the right…make a ‘U’Turn to apologize….continue on for 60 years..”   I guess sometimes it wouldn’t see things coming and would say things like…”Foreclosure…recalculating…”, but like fate it would always get you to your destination one route or another.

I suppose we’d find a way to ignore it.  Last week I was driving away from a destination and my G.P.S fell off and rolled to the back seat.  All I could hear for the next 30 minutes was the G.P.S running its mouth reminding me how to get back to where I left.   “I KNOW!”, I would think, “I was already there, I’m going somewhere else..just shut up!” This blabbering G.P.S. reminded me of human nature’s tendency to drudge up the past.  We already went there and listening to the ‘voice’ would just put us smack dab back there.  It’s up to us to reprogram and check our own voice of reason.  Sidenote:  Really… do you ever notice that there are red lights when you are in a hurry, but never when you want to eat a taco, reach for something in the back seat, or other forbidden car activities.

I couldn’t find my G.P.S the other day….yes I needed a G.P.S to find my G.P.S.   I almost wanted to slap myself because of how panicked I was.  Was I the same person who used to carry 25-35 cents for phone calls? I eventually found it, charged it, and shaved 2 hours of traveling time the next day.