FreeLance Armstrong

Written by : Andrea Angileri

I’d like to apologize in advance to all of my cyclist friends.

Recently, Lance Armstrong was exposed as blood doping….it was somewhat less entertaining than the fake Te’o incident…really rather low on the totem pole of things I could care less about as it had something to do with sports.   All I knew about Lance Armstrong was that he rides bikes…fast, he dated Sheryl Crow, and he unfortunately, has one ball…that’s all I really needed to know.  But now, I know that he used ‘performance enhancement ‘ drugs…..and people are pissed.

Am I the only one who doesn’t care that much about steroid use in athletes?  Am I ‘cheating’ because I drink coffee?  Here’s what my interview with Oprah would look like:

Oprah: “So..Andrea…do you admit to using ‘performance enhancement’ drugs?

Me: “Yes….I drink coffee.”

Oprah:  “How often do you use ‘coffee’ and why?”

Me: “I try to drink at least a cup a day most days….I like to think it helps me ‘do better’.”

Oprah: “But can’t you do everything you do WITHOUT coffee…what about tea instead?”

Me:  “I know that tea has added health benefits, but coffee seems to push me to load that third set of dishes in the dishwasher, focus on conversations…it’s just a part of my morning routine.”

Oprah: “Can you believe I’ve built my entire empire…without coffee?”

Me:  “I know you’d like to think that your ‘little dogs’ (using sarcastic finger quotes) take a lot of energy….but I got 4 real kids…real kid shit to deal with.”

I would then peek at her cards and see the topics ‘wine, beer, Ritalin, and plastic surgery’ and storm off with my Starbuck’s off the set.   Just kidding…I love Oprah, I would give her a hug and eat crow…like Lance did.  Lowercase ‘c’ people….I have to say that because as much as I’d like to deny having perverted friends….I have to stay a step ahead of them.

We live in a performance enhancing drug society.  My eight year old is convinced that I should buy the ‘5 hour energy drink’….”Look how little it is, “he says, “and It gives you energy for 5 hours!”.  I tried energy drinks for one day.  I was irritated at how sweet they were and how slow the results were.  A sleepness night is not what I needed….it should have kicked in earlier!  Remember the ‘No-Doz’ phase.  People were taking them to stay awake…legal speed I guess.  I tried this once, which resulted in being the passenger in a car going 45 miles an hour down N. 2^nd with me yelling, “WHY ARE WE GOING SO SLOW?!”  I’m pretty sure that alcohol and a median were involved, and definitely sure that was enough of that.

So we can conclude that performance enhancing drugs are a part of our society, people drink coffee/tea/ energy drinks/ pop to wake up, kids take meds to focus, people use booze to relax and socialize, older men use drugs to perform…so why should athletes be excluded?

I say let them have the choice.  They can be on the non-juiced league or the SUPER MEGA ULTRA JUICED LEAGUE.  It would only be a matter of time before someone got hurt, exploded, lost a penis, or what have you and that would be the end of that, but it might make for interesting T.V.

I am not an avid sports watcher.  I mean… I obviously support the Chicago teams because I love my family and I appreciate the commercials during the Superbowl, but I am a fourth quarter, 9^th inning watcher at best.   I will sit next to my husband and he will ask, “Did you see that play?” and I will say “No”.  I have this crazy talent of sitting and watching T.V. and using it as a chance to zone out and think about what I will do next when I get the energy to get my lazy butt off the couch.

So Lance, yes, you cheated…and that is wrong….you are still a lying bastard.   Athletes of all kind get the results that they want by using healthy alternatives.  They work hard and they don’t use performance enhancing drugs.  You will forever be in the doghouse with them.  As a person who accidentally watches sports, “I Forgive You”.

***It’s just been clarified to me that it was never steroids, but blood doping.  I didn’t even know blood doping existed, because I don’t pay close enough attention, which is why I will never post political things.  Apparently, it involves adding more red blood cells so that blood can carry more oxygen, which actually sounds pretty awesome.  I’m pretty sure this can treat anemia and I’d like to sign up.  I think it’s dangerous on some level, and I obviously am wrong, but too lazy to research why.